Last year I was at the opthamologist. Getting my eyes checked. I was left in the exam room alone, with that crazy giant apparatus with the lenses that we peer through, and tell the opthamologist which is better...1...or 2. Click Click. 1 or 2. Click. Twist and flip. 1 or 2?
I have been fascinated with this thing since I started wearing glasses at the age of 10. I've mostly been a "good girl" following all rules and boundaries my whole life. So even though I would have loved to flip and click those little lenses, I have always left it alone.
But sitting there, in the exam room, no one to be seen. Should I? Of course not. I'm an adult. I can control myself.
I look at the clock. I look at my watch. They are taking too long. I've been in here alone for at least 30 minutes. They have surely forgotten about me. The door is closed, after all.
I reach out and flip the lens, just once. It certainly won't harm anything.
No one walks in.
So I threw caution to the wind (much unlike me when my meds are under control) and start twisting and clicking, flipping the lenses. I was like a child. It was the most fun.
No one walked in, I was not caught...a 30 year old something playing with this contraption. Such a minor thing....but if you knew me (Ms. keep my hands folded in my lap, very conscious of social etiquette) you would have been surprised. This is certainly only the very tip of the iceberg of the embarrassing things I've done. It was so very simple, yet gratifying. I guess even Jane-wannabes have to live it up some times.
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4 comments:
hi rabbit_run,
i saw you on txandi's blog. welcome to bipolar planet.
i hope you find some encouragement here. i have. i am type I bp...but, i personally think it is all the same. we all swing outside the extreme. and it can hurt or feel good...
so, it is nice to know people here, who understand.
welcome...and be blessed with a well day,
dancer.
hi, good for you. reminds me of times i've been in situations and had a strong urge to do something really inappropriate. like last nighta at a music event i imagined yelling out crazy stuff and pretending i was totally nuts in the middle of the performance (i did not.) i confess to doing other things like picking my nose on the street while walking my dog and other sort of "bad" behavior that does not get one arrested. the other day i went to get a reiki session and had a strong temptation to steal some of the pretty rocks in the little bowl but managed not to. especially at places like that my bad girl comes out to tempt me. sounds like you had a fun time at the eye doctor. now the real challenge: is there anything fun like that to do at the gynecologist when they leave you naked in the paper robe waiting around???
Dancer,
Thank you for the welcome. It's been a long time since I thought about talking to anyone about BP. I think it's just because everything has just changed so much and there is much more for me to figure out. I'm new to this blogging thing :) but I'm finding it very helpful. Thanks again.
Marlena,
It suprises me how often in the beginning the impulses were hard to get a handle on. They still are, but they aren't as wild and flagrant for me as they used to be.
Have you found Reiki to be helpful for your symptoms? I've found that it can help me with the anxiety edge sometimes, but not a lot with the rest of it.
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