You would think after 10+ years I would be an old hand at this bipolar thing. Even though cognitively I know that I'm getting ready to ride out the next swing, whether up or down, internally I'm always kinda surprised. What do you mean, I'm on the upswing? Shocked. Like it had never happened before. Even though this must be the hundred-thousandth time... or something like that.
Don't get me wrong, I used to love the upswing. So extremely productive at school or work, I could multi-task (at least in my mind) about 50 different things with ease. But then I become a little too happy, a little too aggressive, a little too much to deal with. And the eventual crash, well, it's just not that pretty. Trust me.
Standard warning signs. Not sleeping. If I am sleeping it's only for short stints with a lot of waking and tossing and turning. Agitation and irritation going up a few notches. I get to this fun stage where it literally feels like I have bugs crawling all over my back under the skin. (I don't really believe there are bugs under my skin, it's just the sensation I get.) But I get so many things done, at least initially. The things that have been put off during the big depressive swings. I certainly get a lot of cleaning done. And what better evaluation of a woman than a sparkling bathroom?
Middle ground would be nice. I know I could learn to be content with some middle ground. Nice, plain, boring, brown, middle ground. I could even love it. The things we long for. Some people want more excitement, more spontaneity...I would just like some stability, trusting that when I wake up the day will be a similar to the day before. Not wondering if I get to fight with being a ray of sunshine who seems to be on LSD, or rip-roaring bitch, or a puddle of nothing on the floor.
Yep. Plain would be great. I would happily change my name to Jane.
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hello Rabbit--or should i call you Jane? welcome to our little ring.
reading through your posts, i relate to much of their content. i am bipolar II, and knew early on that my feelings were "interesting."
i cycle rapidly; triggers vary; i ride when surf's +up+, then drop -down- to ocean floor, sometimes both at once. meds give me buoyancy--i neither sink nor sail (mostly).
i look forward to reading more about you, and helping you the same way i have been.
~t~
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