Mirriam-Webster Dictionary:
defective. adj. 1a: an imperfect in form or function b: falling below the norm in
structure or in mental or physical function.
-----------------------------------------------------
I wonder sometimes if I really am defective. In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. I am certainly imperfect and psychologically flawed. And there are times when I am literally crippled by what is going on in my head, which is when definition b (above) applies.
I think most people are flawed in some way. But when does being flawed actually cross over into being defective? Is it when those personality and behavioral "quirks" reach a critical mass? Is it when you actually fit into a neat catagory of the DSM-IV? Is it when you don't respond to the standard medication cocktails, and the rollercoaster just never ends?
My life has changed in so many ways. Most things I have come to grips with. Some I have not. Particularly those things that make me less than "normal" and more "defective."
How will I ever be able to have children? The moral dilemma about potentially passing on this illness, and the more practical dilemma of the toxicity of the drugs. I have spent probably a total of 6 months unmedicated out of the 10+ years since my diagnosis. And that was early on in my treatment. Things are this bad on drugs....I can't ever imagine surviving long off drugs. I know there's the good ol' option of electroconvulsive therapy (shock treatments). I had even talked to my doctor about trying this last year during a very deep and unrelenting depressive cycle that was not responding to meds. He thought at best the effects would be short term for me, so we tried other drugs instead.
I'm too defective to work right now, too defective to be in a relationship, too defective to ever have children. Those were the 3 gospels I was raised with. Have a career, meet Mr. Right, have a family. And in the past year, all hopes of any one of these ever happening has just disappeared. Options I just assumed I would have. I guess the assumption itself was also defective.
defective. adj. 1a: an imperfect in form or function b: falling below the norm in
structure or in mental or physical function.
-----------------------------------------------------
I wonder sometimes if I really am defective. In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. I am certainly imperfect and psychologically flawed. And there are times when I am literally crippled by what is going on in my head, which is when definition b (above) applies.
I think most people are flawed in some way. But when does being flawed actually cross over into being defective? Is it when those personality and behavioral "quirks" reach a critical mass? Is it when you actually fit into a neat catagory of the DSM-IV? Is it when you don't respond to the standard medication cocktails, and the rollercoaster just never ends?
My life has changed in so many ways. Most things I have come to grips with. Some I have not. Particularly those things that make me less than "normal" and more "defective."
How will I ever be able to have children? The moral dilemma about potentially passing on this illness, and the more practical dilemma of the toxicity of the drugs. I have spent probably a total of 6 months unmedicated out of the 10+ years since my diagnosis. And that was early on in my treatment. Things are this bad on drugs....I can't ever imagine surviving long off drugs. I know there's the good ol' option of electroconvulsive therapy (shock treatments). I had even talked to my doctor about trying this last year during a very deep and unrelenting depressive cycle that was not responding to meds. He thought at best the effects would be short term for me, so we tried other drugs instead.
I'm too defective to work right now, too defective to be in a relationship, too defective to ever have children. Those were the 3 gospels I was raised with. Have a career, meet Mr. Right, have a family. And in the past year, all hopes of any one of these ever happening has just disappeared. Options I just assumed I would have. I guess the assumption itself was also defective.
3 comments:
"gospels," DSM-IV, people flawed
women: assimilate these "gospels." society, learn mental illness.
generation.
rosie the riveter demise; june cleaver arise. mental illness, whispered.
generations.
the suffragist movement. mental asylums.
generationss.
chastity belts. mental illness=demonic possession.
generationsss.
women, breeders; mental illness cure? "natural selection."
generationssss.
forward
...women, unburdened, ungospeled, equal; society caring, unquestioning--after all, "most people are flawed in some way," indeed.
we hurts, yes. defective, we are not.
defective you are not.
~t~
txandi,
I can't thank you enough for the poem. I've looked back at it several times, and really appreciate what you've said.
rabbit, you are to kind...this comment, a rare appearance...places are taking me away from comments regularly.
~t~
Post a Comment