I forget

I flew from Washington state to Kentucky in late October to see my brother and a good friend I've known for years. My brother had managed to get some leave, and he and his wife drove down from Clarksville (barely in Tennessee) to Louisville to pick me up.

Out of my 3 younger brothers, he was the baby, 8 years younger than me. I played a major role in raising both him and my 2nd youngest brother, since my mother spent most days as an "absentee." But that's another story for another day. Needless to say, so much time caring for the two of them them during their formative years created a close bond.

When I picture my baby brother, even as a grown man, I remember him relaxed and smiling. A warm, tight hug. Fluid conversations that last for hours. There's a easiness about him, like everything is right with the world. This is who I plan to see.

But I forget. I forget how stiff and quiet he is when he's freshly state side. He hugs me awkwardly as if I'm a stranger. He's only been back 3 weeks, I should have remembered. It was this way last time. Why did I not remember? Was it because I didn't want to remember? Wanted to pretend he wouldn't be affected like this, again?

The conversation during the drive to Tennessee is mostly small talk, and mainly carried by his wife. We chit chat about their dogs, about the weather, about their new house. It fills the space during the drive.

The visit goes well. The dogs are a good diversion and he seems to relax a little when we play with or talk about them. I watch him. There is an electricity about him that I can see he is struggling to control. He paces, he needs to stay busy.

It takes three days before he really talks to me. Really looks me in the eye and connects. I think he's trying to explain why it's so hard. He's a Staff Sargent, so he explains to me the policy. Mentions that after World War II, the Army quickly learned they needed to ease soldiers back into civilian surroundings. They found that if soldiers were put directly into partial work instead of being issued a large block of leave directly after coming home, there was a dramatic drop in the violence rates of the soldiers. This had never crossed my mind. I envisioned families happily reuniting, but he tells me that many soldiers go on benders when they come back. Spousal abuse, car accidents and fights were very common. But once they instituted immediate half days and working through the first few weekends, the violence dropped dramatically. It explains why he's been working half days at the base and this his first whole weekend off. They all have to do it this way at this base. I think this is a round about way of telling me he's trying to adjust.

So he's on light duty for part of every morning at the base, and comes home to work on projects. I know it's to keep his hands busy. He tore down a giant wood framed swing set/fort that came with the house, and used the scrap lumber (spending hours pulling out nails, etc.) to build a porch swing...without directions. He has made regulation horse shoe pits, which included putting 4 foot pipes into the ground so the spikes will always stay at the regulation 11 degrees, or something like that.

I've been watching him pace, watching the tension. And this is 3 weeks into his rehabilitation. We play horseshoe for hours. I know his wife has had meetings at the base with other soldier's wives, and they talk about this adjustment period and coping strategies. But actually seeing how different he is, compared to how he left, physically hurts.

I'm flying out of Louisville. On the drive down, he starts talking. He reminds me of the brother I had planned to see. He talks of the frustration, the bureaucracy, that after a 19 hour shift driving the hummer on mission in the desert, they had to hose off all sand before parking the vehicle. Because a commander decided he didn't like seeing the vehicles dusty and dirty. Even though sand storms are common in Iraq, and roll through regularly. Strange things that make a difficult job even harder. He doesn't talk about some things, and I don't ask. The most he's ever mentioned in that respect has been several mass graves, and only then, in passing. I figure he will talk when he's ready, he doesn't need extra pressure.

They talk about how war changes a man. It's self-centered, but I never paid much attention until it affected someone I love. I know there are ways he's fundamentally changed, but the easiness has finally come back. We have the fluid conversations again, I don't hear the hardness, the closed down-ness that I saw while I was there. He's mostly come back.

There are whisperings that he will be shipping again early Fall, once again for a 12+ month tour in Iraq. This will be his 3rd tour. God I hate our government.